I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
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