Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
