Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
This house was built for laser tag.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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