You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
