Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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