recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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