Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
