I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
