She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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