i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
