He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
