Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
