Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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