I met the friendliest cop last night
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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