made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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