I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
