i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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