counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
