Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
