hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
