I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
