her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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