i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
