We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
