Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
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