Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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