Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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