There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
