from now on my penis is your penis
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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