shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim