Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
areolas are like halos for boobs.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
