At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
