Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
