Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
