would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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