While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
