I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
