my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
