I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
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He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
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