Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good