we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
