oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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