when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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