Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
