the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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