Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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