another moral hangover. fuck.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
