Already got asked if we're dating
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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