Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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