your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
