I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
