New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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