I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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