I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
