I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
