I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
