i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
