This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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