1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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