Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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