i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
