I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
